I stand alone
In this huge field.
I’m surrounded by grass
Lush and perfectly green.
There a trees around
And a lake
With sand near its sides.
I feel that I’m lucky
To be here
By myself,
Entirely filled with peace.
I can feel the grass move
Beneath my feet
And gratefully I smile.
There is something far away from me
That is flying in the wind.
Is it a flag?
Beauty, beauty,
Surrounding me.
Oh, what a miracle!
I must be blessed!
I think happily.
I look into the sky
Where still
A full moon hangs.
I see a dark speck appear
Near the center.
A bird, perhaps?
A living addition
To this amazing field?
It gets larger
Quite close
To blocking out the moon.
What is it?
It flies,
Closer, closer
Faster, faster.
I heard a single word…
“Fore!”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm going to have to agree with whoever said they'd like to say they enjoyed it but didn't, unfortunately.
The first problem, I think, is that it's kind of cliche. People are always writing about fields and nature being a refuge from their troubled lives, how beautiful everything is... what would be original, I think, would be to write form the point of view of a soldier -- seeing the terrible beauty in war, finding peace among the horror.
Secondly, I didn't feel that I could relate to the narrator (you, I'm assuming) at all. You didn't really convey the feelings of peace or serenity -- which brings me to the fact that you were 90% telling, 10% showing. I think that by showing, you could elaborate further on your emotions and make the reader feel as you do. For example:
You're just telling me that you're standing in a filed surrounded by grass. You could say: I stand alone / in this huge field / grass stretches out around me / lush and perfectly green. (Btw, a dash indicates a new line.)
Thirdly, PUNCTUATION! You basically have all these lines and periods and... well, this could be bettered with proper grammar, methinks.
Uh-huh. Grass doesn't move beneath your feet -- unless you're, like, feather-light-weightless, the grass would be pressed down under your feet. It would be moving around your feet, brushing against your ankles.
For one thing, the adjective 'Beauty' isn't working for me here. It is telling rather than showing -- why don't you show us that it's beautiful? There isn't really any imagery; this is kind of dull, bland, boring. What makes it so beautiful? Personally, a cloudless sky and green grass isn't anything to be excited about, I think. You need to make it seem beautiful, paint a pretty picture in your reader's mind.
Furthermore, the narrator's thoughts are ridiculous. 'I must be blessed!' No one thinks like that, seriously.
---------------
Overall, this is okay. I like the ending but the rest is superficial and bland. Doesn't do anything for me.
Work with this -- add more poetic imagery (metaphors, similes) and make the reader relate, use punctuation. You dig?
Hope this helped!
- Camille
Details, details, details. It's mundane and felt like you've rushed this.
Had me laughing at the end though, very nice.
I liked it, but I would only suggest it to people who know what fore means. It actually sounded like something shel silverstein would write. There were some weird parts but overall, I liked it.
Ha! This was clever. I think you should make an effort to make the beginning as dryly humorous as the ending. Put in some jabs at poems that wax on and on about nature. I think that this functions well as intended .
Umm... "You can't fix this up"??? I have to say that that's a terrible attitude toward writing, and that won't get anyone anywhere....
And I wasn't just rambling!!
Pray tell, do you know what "Fore" means?? Because that's the point of the poem...
I'd like to say I enjoyed this- poem? but I refuse to lie, especially since it was absolutely boring. Afterall, whats to be gained from being nice and focussing on the positive.
First and foremost, will someone pleae tell me what the hell this is? I'm confused. It starts off in poetic, yet cliched manner.
I stand alone
In this huge field.
I’m surrounded by grass
Lush and perfectly green
The initial insinuation, or message seems to be "thoughts of a troubled mind" "I stand alone" suggests alienation, isolation from the world, yet you are happy with this. BY THE WAY- Lush and green, I just cringed at the sound of it. It reminds me of nothing but infantile composition and is ridiculously over used by everyone (NOT JUST YOU!)
And as for the second stanza... well thats not even worth writing about.
Essentially, if I was to draw a picture of this poem it would be a circle. WHY??? Because it goes nowhere and means nothing.
Don't just write something for the sake of it! No-one wants to hear ramblings. I'd critique you're structure, but truth be known, I don't abide by the rules of verse my-self.
You can't fix this up, but look on the bright side! Things can only get better!
If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to PM me.
SHM
Hey, thanks! It was supposed to be slightly comedic at the end, so I'm glad that you get it!
Thanks for reading,
Teh Wozzinator
Heyhey, I really enjoyed reading this, expecially the way it was blank verse so you really went to town with your poetic voice, not having to worry too much about the rhyming scheme.
I liked this line in particular:
That's a subtle issue raised, and since you don't persue it too much, I'm left to wonder....
Also the humour at the end is original and funny
Nice work, It had me chuckling...
Eimearxx
[quote="SirWozzell"]I stand alone
In this huge field.
I’m surrounded by grass
Lush and perfectly green.
There a trees around
And a lake
With sand near its sides.
I feel that I’m lucky
To be here
By myself,
Entirely filled with peace.
I can feel the grass move
Beneath my feet
And gratefully I smile.
There is something far away from me
That is flying in the wind.
Is it a flag?
i like the part above just fine but below is kind of lame dude. I think you should fix it up some.
Beauty, beauty,
Surrounding me.
[i]Oh, what a miracle!
I must be blessed![/i]
I think happily.
I look into the sky
Where still
A full moon hangs.
I see a dark speck appear
Near the center.
A bird, perhaps?
A living addition
To this amazing field?
It gets larger
Quite close
To blocking out the moon.
What is it?
It flies,
Closer, closer
Faster, faster.
I heard a single word…
“Fore!”[/quote]
Hello!
I stand alone
In this huge field.
I’m surrounded by grass
Lush and perfectly green.
**This is rather boring. Lush and perfectly green is what we expect grass to be but you need to give a new edge that makes it important and beautiful. Without that edge it's just regular old grass and not important to your poem.
There a trees around
And a lake
With sand near its sides.
**"There *are trees around" I like the lake visual but you might want to do something more with that. Your simplicity is okay but don't make it too simplistic.
I feel that I’m lucky
To be here
By myself,
Entirely filled with peace.
**Eh, the words "I feel" never really work with me in poetry for some reason. Usually I expect just to get the feeling. I think a lot more confidence would show in this piece if you were more dominant. Example: instead of "I feel", "I know"
I can feel the grass move
Beneath my feet
And gratefully I smile.
**"And gratefully, I smile." I like this part. I think it was my favorite.
There is something far away from me
That is flying in the wind.
Is it a flag?
**This was rather cheesy. There wasn't a visual and it really doesn't appeal to the readers when suddenly you point something out. I think that this would do better if you suggested that the flag was there? Or maybe just gave us a small visual of the flag so that we had a hint as to what was coming up in the next stanza.
Beauty, beauty,
Surrounding me.
Oh, what a miracle!
I must be blessed!
I think happily.
**This is sort of unconnected to the rest of the poem. Longer, and the voice has changed for some reason. Try to relate it to the rest.
I look into the sky
Where still
A full moon hangs.
I see a dark speck appear
Near the center.
A bird, perhaps?
A living addition
To this amazing field?
It gets larger
Quite close
To blocking out the moon.
What is it?
**Even Looonger. I really like "I look into the sky where still a full moon hangs" that was a pretty image. But after that it sort of fell about. The questions at the end don't really make the poem more affective. Think about it, You're asking the reader what it is that you've described, in acutuality you should be describing it to us. We don't know yet. Just a suggestion, some poems actually do work with questions but I think that's because the questions are pointed inward. Like a question the poet is asking theirselves *shrugs*.
It flies,
Closer, closer
Faster, faster.
I heard a single word…
“Fore!”
**And then you just went right back to short. It really messes with the look of the format when you do a sudden change like that. The ending was kind of like...oh. It wasn't really exciting and there wasn't any "Ah! I get it!" It was just like, "Okay, so golf." Try to make your ending pop for the reader.
Happy Editing!
~CCF~